I feel REALLY good today. Really, really, good. So good I wonder if I’m crazy. But last night I packed some, listened to music (up until last night any song made me cry or think of him, now I’m starting to listen to songs and think of me), drank too much wine, and talked to Neko and her husband about all kinds of things. It was good. I slept until 3:45 a.m. (a first) and actually sorta fell back in and out of sleep with only a few weird dreams.

One dream, we were coming back to our apartment and noticed some strange people milling about. I instantly knew we were being robbed and the thieves car was in the drive way. I wanted him to block the driveway with his car and I would confront them, instead he let me out of the car and took off down the street. The thieves got away. Interesting.

Each day I change an address or account. I’m going slowly because sometimes in the process of doing these things I’d break down. Right now I’m “holding myself in” a little bit. Smiling to smile.

Silly things like shopping remind me of him. I was always buying something, like a new purse or something, for our next evening out with our friends. It’s like I felt I had to have some new item to make me noticeable or special. C used to always compliment my taste in things, then she started using company money (yes) to buy herself things like Dior bags. The money thing pissed me off, but I’ve also felt she needed to One Up Me in the biggest way possible.

Whatever. This is the sort of thing people do in LA – especially the people I’m around. And, yeah, it’s messed up.

Like I was telling Neko last night; it’s weird here. There is a lot of “for appearances only” shit going on. I’ve been caught up in it. Not going to say I’m not the Most Material of Material Girls – cuz I LOVE my stuff. But there’s more to relating to people than where you go for dinner, what you wear, what bag you carry, and how big your diamond is. I’m part of the problem, but I also need more than what’s being offered. Socially.

Up in Sac I’ll hang around my parent’s friends a lot in the coming months. Sounds strange that I’d look forward to being around a bunch of retired cops and such who drink waaaaay too much. But I do. It’s a step toward good people.

DLand people have been my good people because I just haven’t found them here, not that everyone in LA is obsessed with how the can be better than their neighbor, but I just haven’t been finding them.