When I start playing the blame myself game I realize:
- I tried damn hard for long time and things were pretty nice a lot of the time, but he also had the tendency to want to do/go/see what he wanted.
- I would have been with him for life and no matter how much I realize maybe that isn’t the plan for me, realizing his not being there….yes, still hurts.
- He’s really leaving me because his two best friends, C&R, have constantly influenced him. If we had cracks, the created giant sink holes. It hurts that I can’t have done something else. But I couldn’t fight them and after a while I lost interest in fighting them, simply didn’t want to be around them, and shortly thereafter they went to work on him. Now he’s all theirs and I wonder what is going to happen when he has a blow out with them again and I’m not there.
- The quickness. I suppose I’ll get more used to it. But tonight I’m signing the first of the papers, tomorrow he’s transferring $ to my account. Next weekend I’ll be living in Sacramento.
- Looking at photos of houses online in Sacramento I fear if I’ll be happy there. Sure, cute affordable places to be found. But it’s scary.
Biggest Fear Today:
What if I’ve been living the most kick-ass great thing ever and it’s OVER. Cool city, pretty good job, and such. But I didn’t like our friends and he idolizes them. I don’t like our apartment and somehow we just didn’t get it together to leave.
And I remember a lot of boredom. Or waiting for him to fall asleep in his chair so I could change the channel. I think living in such close quarters for so long we never enjoyed time apart when we were together.
Am I just hanging on to something again? Am I not seeing the problems that were there again? Am I regressing just because it’s nearing time to go home?
No. There’s going to be better. I’m sure of it!! I remember my loneliness. My boredom hanging out with people that were really rather immature assholes. The snoring that kept me awake all the time. The nights he didn’t come home. I’ve GOT to remember this stuff.
I have to know there is going to be an adjustment period to Sac. While I like the place – there’s different weather. Different people. Different food in the markets.
It’s just. Too many changes at once but they’ve got to be done.
