The roller coaster continues. Good one minute, wishing I could open the windows to my office (only 10 floors up, but it’d work) the next minute. I’m sort of kidding about that, but the occasional “oh god this hurts so bad and I’ll never feel better and why won’t he just come hold me, like now!” ruin my perspective a little.

I realize it’s not supposed to be easy. Although I keep noticing and writing and pointing out the problems – it does not change the fact that he’s dumping me most certainly LONG before I’d have been ready to end it.

Counseling would have been a start. But I wonder if any good would have come, there’s some sad stubbornness that has come over him. Almost like he’s been removed from his emotions (and he’s never been much of an emotional guy – except for war movies.)

He says he was unhappy. We lived like roommates. More friends than passion. I guess I never thought the lack of “bodice ripping” sort of passion was a big deal, I mean, that always fades over time. I had plenty of desire for him, but yes, not passion.

Ok. Truth be told. I wasn’t always into doin’ it. Ya’ know. In fact. A lot not into it for while but since we’ve been “working on things” since last August I thought I was doing better. I can’t explain why I wasn’t that into it. In prior long term relationships one guy always did it for me and we never lost the frequency, while another guy bored me after about a year. For a while, yes, R sorta bored me. (Sorry. I’m finding I can’t type his whole name.)

I shoulda maybe looked into some counseling then, but we didn’t really talk about it much. He complained, he tried sometimes, but it sort of fell by the wayside. That it wasn’t there didn’t seem like a big deal to me because we got along pretty well and had fun together.

Then that part fell apart.

Thing is…if we were really meant to be so much why didn’t we talk more about it or work on it. I’d suggest things we could do to “spice things up” but he never took any initiative.

I just figured the longer you’ve been together the less you do it.

There’s just so much I’m sorting through. The fear of being alone, the no safety net feeling, is really what’s getting me at the moment.