Last night had a few bad moments. And I’m still not sleeping well or eating well, but I did manage to choke down a Lean Cuisine purely to keep my energy up. What little I have. I feel incredibly tired. But, I also have been seeing and focusing on What Was Wrong quite a bit more instead of desperately holding onto the concept I had of us.
I had one dream last night where he came into the apartment and got into bed with me, cried and wanted to come back. Then I had one where we were doing stuff with my family and his friend’s C&R and The Same Old Tension Was There. In that dream I was constantly fearful of his breaking it off because I wasn’t doing what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it.
That’s the thing. We did what he wanted to do. If we did what I wanted to do his attitude changed, it wasn’t always bad, but he no enthusiasm in my stuff. When he was with his friends he was completely different.
And my reservations about returning to Sacramento (because maybe I’ve romanticized over the years how great it is because it also has some faults – poor city planning, gloomy foggy winters, and hotter than hell summers) have faded because I realized that my life there will be what I make of it.
I can’t beat myself up over “what could I have done better here” because that which I didn’t do as well as maybe I should have – I was doing for a reason. I’ve wanted out as well. I didn’t put 100% and neither did he.
Sure maybe if some of the plans we’d created a few years ago had happened, like leaving LA for Vegas and buying a home, we may have been OK. Or he might have been increasingly unhappy and we’d be more stuck or isolated or something.
No. The pain and hurt is still very there, but not as raw.
And looking into the future with him had this not happened was certainly not bright. Same tiny apartment across the street from his nutty parents, same weekends spent doing whatever C&R want to do or his sulking in his chair and playing PartyPoker.com if they didn’t call. I lost him at some point along the way. And he lost sight of who I am and replaced my image with one created out of bitterness and spite.
