Ok. So after that little freak out and then the realization (again) that even if he came back, said, “OK, I’ll give you another shot but you’ve got to participate in more things and be nice to C&R” (which is what he’d say even though I’m always nice to C it’s the things she does when he’s not looking that lead me to hate her…long story. Never mind.) The point is…I’d hang on for dear life to him for a few days and then our pattern would fall back into the same way it was.

He’d say he’s having beers with them (at their garage – boooring), I’d beg off and go home (binge eat, drink too much, and secretly be happy he wasn’t home so I could hog the whole bed.) Not that I’m not always thrilled to see him, obviously, but maybe I just wanted him “there” but yet “not there.”

Wow. That’s something of a revelation.

So what is it that do want?

I read Simplify a lot and what she’s got going is a bit what I want. I’ve never minded cooking dinner (even if I sometimes complain) because I love to cook, but I want to serve it to someone who shows interest in what I’m making or at least input on what he wants. Then a nice thank you, a hug for being a great wifey, and some nice conversation while we sip our after dinner glass of wine and watch the news.

I want a nice house. Be it in city or suburb or wherever – I want to live someplace nice damnit. I want to decorate and to nest. And we’ve been using the housing prices as an excuse, but people who make a lot less than us have managed to buy homes over the years.

I’ve always had a thing for really big guys (not in that respect but I’ll admit it doesn’t hurt) I mean I like very tall men built like linebackers. He wasn’t entirely tall enough, but built right (even if he could have stood to loose a lot of that belly but considering what I look like who am I to complain.)

Kids? No. Not really. But if I met someone who already had them that would be pretty cool. Especially if they were like between 5-18. Toddlers kinda scare me; too wobbly and too much chance of damaging themselves.

Warmth and the desire to take care of me when I need it! Sure, Rob would sometimes pick up juice for me if I was sick and he did make some 7-11 runs at 3 a.m. when I’d had food poisoning and need Sprite ASAP. But I’m saying – when I’ve had a bad day. Years ago he’d got fed up with listening to me bitch about work and said something to the effect of, “well if you don’t like it find something else – you’re always complaining about the same things.” It’s not that I didn’t like it, just had a shitty day. Those happen. Can I even tell you how many times I listened to him bitch about clients or C or something??? AAAAck!! Too many.

And I’ve finally found a good spot for the engagement ring (which I’m still totally wearing, sometimes I wonder if I like the ring better than what it symbolizes – especially now) it’s on my right hand – middle finger. Approximately sums up my view points on things.

Well, least when I go home in 30 minutes I’ll be a little better off than I was last entry.

I think I’m going to have to buy a laptop ASAP so I can do this from home.