Now I’m not doing so well. I’m feeling intense separation and loss. No matter how much I tell myself I’ll be fine and that this might be for the best and there was lots wrong – I’m still physically aching for him.

I realize I’ve never gone through something like this before and I’m going to have to work through all this stuff. I remind myself other people survive this situation.

It’s just this stuff comes in waves. Then I’ll see that we didn’t like the same kinds of movies, didn’t like the same kinds of music, even our taste in food had grown apart.

Sometimes I think “I miss him, I love him, I want my life back like it was a year ago.” But was I all that happy a year ago? I was happy I “had him” but my life itself left a lot to be desired.

Keep telling myself that.

Keep thinking I’m going to find someone else someday.

That saying, “be careful what you wish for…” Well, I’ve been wishing to get the heck out of LA, never to see Evil C again, and to live back home with the tree lined streets and Craftsman houses. I’m getting what I wished for, just not how I’d wished. But if he’d relented and moved back up there with me he’s changed so much that he’d never enjoy his life there. He’s gotten into something else and that’s what he wants now.

Yes. I see it.

But there are moments.

When we were in Belize I met a couple that had been married, divorced, and ended up getting back together MANY years later and though I don’t know if I hope or if I want it even, I know that as we’ve changed to the point that he’s leaving me – we can also change back.

And I’ve needed to work on me for a while. I’m trying to not get into the “shoulda-woulda-coulda and blaming myself thing” (everyone keeps telling me not to) I know that maybe there are things I should have taken better care of and maybe it wouldn’t have deteriorated. But it did. And there is no use thinking those thoughts. But they are there.

My boss is hooking me up with an attorney so I’ll have someone to look over things to make sure I’m not getting screwed. But I have to say I have no desire to fight for anything more. I too want this over as quickly and simply as possible.

It’s hard enough dealing with packing and moving and re-starting on my own.

I never would have been able to divorce him on my own, I don’t think he could ever have done anything that would make me leave him – so maybe it is for the best that he’s taken the reins and done this. There must be better out there for me – even if I’m alone forever.