Fear #1 – That my life isn’t going to be as good as it has been. To which I remind myself, I’ve wanted to change a lot of things. Then I wonder, “have I just been a horrible spoiled bitch wanting and taking from life and this is my comeuppance?”

Fear #2 – Never having someone again. I know it’s going to be a LONG time before I find someone. But I’m terrified that I’m going to continue living with this unimaginable ache for him.

Fear #3 – Was this the best I’ll ever know of life and love? I’d never experienced anything like him before him, what if I do find someone next but they’re a poor replacement, a replication that I want to make but can’t.

Fear #4 – The emptiness ahead. Not planning things with him, realization of never being with him again.

OK. Today is a LOT harder than yesterday.

I’ve been writing about faults and missed signals, but I also NEVER wanted this to happen. Ever. I meant forever. I’m stunned, in shock, and absolutely heartbroken. I’ve been trying to find reasons why we shouldn’t be together and rationalize it’s for the best, but I also believe we could have been wonderful.

That’s what is so hard. I firmly believe this didn’t have to happen. Usually when people get to this stage both people can see and rationalize the reasons why it should end – I really can’t. I’m feeling more like I’m being thrown out.

However. I just asked myself if he came back to me now and still wanted me, but I'd have to make the changes (namely, go to all the parties, stay out late, take off early from work to drink beer someplace) would I do it. No. Maybe for a few days, but then I'd be back to letting him be out there doing his thing while I stay home. Central issue - I'm something of a homebody and he's not. I can't fix that, I can't change that. And I know if we'd kept trying I'd still be in this situation. Doesn't make it any easier though.