It’s like I have mini breakdowns every few minutes. This would be a lot easier if I didn’t love him so much and if I didn’t still have a glimmer of hope. I’ve GOT to kill that glimmer.

He’s the realist who sees that we’ve had problems and no matter how much we love each other we’re different people in what we want.

He wants to live like he’s in “Animal House” and I want to live like I’m in, I dunno, a simple movie about a couple in love with a cute little house and a dog. Something boring and stable. I want to sit around in the evenings reading and listening to music. I mean, I do love to party and drink and stuff – but not ALL the time.

But no.

And I used to bullshit that if I ever ended up single again I’d be fine on my own. Such. Total. Crap. I can’t tell you how badly right now I want to find someone else. I know. Bad. A bad rebound relationship, but something about validating my self worth in that someone else wants me…yep.

I realize that’s not right. And I realize I’m HUGE. So fortunately in the amount of time it’s going to take me to loose this weight I’ll get my head straight and when I do go on the hunt I’m going to be a little more “together.”

Then I wonder if Sacramento is the right choice. It is for the family aspect, but I fear the chances of my finding a job at the level I’m at are going to be hard. I make a shitload now (in comparison to what I made up there, like double) and I’ve enjoyed so much being in a rather hoity-toity position.

But there is NOTHING here in LA for me.

Maybe I’ll go to San Francisco.

God. He just called. He’s in agreement with what I want (which isn’t as much as I could ask for but I think it’s reasonable.) An attorney friend of his might draft everything up cheap and he’s said he’ll be paying all the fees. My boss wants me to get my own attorney and go after half of his company, which I could absolutely do. But what does that get me, the company isn’t worth that much.

And honestly, thinking about his company and our “friends” puts some perspective there for me. I’m kind of happy that I’ll be getting away from that. I’ve never thought their accounting practices were on the up and up, when they get audited and told to pay up I won’t be involved.

As for the job…I can’t stand the people around here. My boss can really piss me off. And I might find someplace a lot more fun. So. I have to focus on this other kind of hope. Improvement.

It’s just that when I look around and see all this stuff of ours. Momentos of trips, dinners out and such I loose it. But he hasn’t wanted to do a lot of that stuff for a while. I’m not accepting what it’s been like the last year, I’m just remembering before we got married. And even then there were problems.

I’d email all the time with my old friend about should I/shouldn’t I break up with him. I knew I never would because, again I adore/love/am-slightly-obsessed, but there were thoughts. There were.

I talked to my bosses daughter a bit and she was amazing. It’s true that unless you’ve gone through this you’ve no idea just how torturous it can be, for some they handle things better but for others it’s terrifying. For me it’s terrifying. Having the person you love and swore ‘til death do us part just end up saying “that’s it! I’m out” with so little desire to even try to do anything to save it, it’s impossible to believe sometimes.

But I realize how important friends are. Talking. I just want to talk and talk and rationalize and sort. I don’t have friends here. I have friends there. And I’ll make more.

When I find someone else he’s probably going to be older too – if I never sit in another cold garage playing “presidents & assholes” for as long as I live I’ll be a VERY happy woman. So there is that. And I think someone older wouldn’t be so inclined to do that.

I keep being told by everyone that at some point I’m going to feel a weight lifted and I’m going to suddenly have tons of energy – at first I thought this was nuts but I can see how it’s going to someday happen.

But I did everything right. I made sure he was a friend, we lived together, we waited to get married until we were older and sure. Or so I say. Thinking back I realize I had bits of uncertainty.

But there is something else. I wrapped myself up in him too much. Obvious. But I’ve been grumpy and bitchy and unhappy. I haven’t been meeting or making an effort to have real live friends outside of here (ya’ll are real and live but you know what I mean – everyone here has real friends.) I don’t anymore because I stopped trying. And that not trying to connect with people Because I Have Robert is part of what ruined our relationship and part of why I’ve been unhappy.

I did a LOT of Because I Have Robert over the years. Now I don’t have him. And I think I didn’t entirely handle us in a healthy way. And his family is fucking nuts, so – yep – I can see where the wheels have come off.

I think I’ll get to a point where all this stuff I miss will be with nostalgia instead of pain.