So many thanks to all of you for your support, it means more than you’ll ever ever know.

I’m gonna be fine. I’m heartbroken and that’s the only way to describe it. But the more I talk (and my God, I’ve been talking so much, I talk to myself now when I’m not on the phone with my parents) the more I realize I’m going to be OK.

I’m not the first person to go through this and other people survive it just fine. And it might indeed be the best thing in the long run.

I’ve always missed Sacramento. I’ve never felt at home here and I don’t have much of a life here. I’ve been abnormally attached to my job because other than him, that’s all I’ve had. I was beginning to think we’d never move out of our little shitty apartment and all we had going was our time together and a few vacations here and there. (And his unbelievable fascination and obsession with his friends and business partner have always been a problem. And my parents agree, from experience that his friend C has been a major manipulating force.)

My parents have seen how in the last two years things have gone downhill. I’ve been gaining a horrific amount of weight because after work I go home to an empty house, drink too much and eat too much because I’m lonely. My self esteem has gone in the toilet because I’m always being told I’m not “enough” of whatever. The thing is that I’m not such a social retard as he’d like to believe.

This has been a long time coming I think and I’ve simply not been willing to deal with it. Now it’s falling on me like a pile of bricks.

I love him and don’t know when I’ll stop loving him and wanting him to hug me. Last night after a rather pathetic cab ride home arriving to our apartment (he spent the night with friends) with all our photos and his belongings was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. I hugged his shirts.

But I’m focusing on that things are going to be better. Someday I’ll have someone again, I hope. And though this would probably be easier if I still didn’t love him so much and feel like all of my 20s have been about our relationship, I’m going to have to find myself again and love that person.

I told my boss. He’s being very supportive and I hope that my working life will be just as good or better up there. There have been a lot of difficult times here, too, so that change is OK with me.

My parents have a very nice home and I’ll have a nice room. They spend a lot of time at their boat and I’m going to be really busy when I move up there. I’m going to decorate the room to my liking, I’m going to have a huge closet to store all my clothes instead of racks in the corner. I’m going to have a backyard again and dogs and cats around me.

Someday when I get my shit together I’ll buy a cute little condo of my own. (I’ve always missed living alone.)

And one other glaring thing is that I’ve always liked the nights he went gambling or got drunk with his friends and didn’t come home. I’ve always looked forward to that time at home alone to watch girly movies, put a spa mask on my face, and paint my nails.

Yet I’ve always loved him so much. Though it is very glaringly obvious that I’ve been unhappy. And I’ve sometimes had fantasies about packing everything up and taking off for a new life. And now that’s what I’m going to do.

But its so hard to realize the finality of this. That he just doesn’t want me anymore. But maybe it’s more of a codependent thing – that I’m not going to have the “idea” of him anymore. Because what has been there hasn’t been that great – sometimes it was great, but day to day it had its tensions.

And I’ve never much liked how he kissed.

This diary is going to be a lot of this for a long time. And my hotmail is working again bolashley@hotmail.com. I’ve always kept this diary from here in my office, but I’ll start keeping it from my parent’s computer.

What’s really amazing to me is that all the tension I’ve had over the last few years with my parents is gone. It’s like I was in a warped perspective.

No. It’s going to be good things in front of me. A city I have a ton of fun in, a nicer place to live, the entire summer spending weekends on their boat (which kicks ass, it’s like a yacht, seriously.)

And I’m going to loose weight, which is surprisingly easy when everything makes you queasy.

I still think of him and ache, but I know that will get better.

My boss is awesome too. He’s rather an expert on this stuff (having gone through his daughter’s two divorces) and he’s going to help me very much getting the papers and such together.

I do wish I could take this job home with me to Sac.

There’s gonna be things I miss. I’m gonna miss him. I’ve been so wrapped up in us for so damn long. But I’m going to be fine. In fact, I’m going to be better. I’ve had many moments over the years when I’ve looked at other people’s relationships and wished mine was a bit more like that.

I do wish we’d tried more. But I’ve been trying since August and, really, it’s been futile.

It does suck though to have the core reason he’s not happy with me anymore be because I don’t like to party all the time. That’s so wrong when we’d had such a wonderful friendship and love.

But, it’s also pretty telling.

I’ll probably be writing things like this over and over the next few months because I have to keep telling myself how much better I’m going to be and how things will be fine.