Now I’m realizing the Glaringly Obvious more. I haven’t realized before that although I love him a ton, we’ve got a lot of things different and they’ve been causing problems for a while.
No matter how much you love each other you’ve got to want the same things.
• I don’t want to live in LA and in the past two years he’s come to realize he definitely wants to be here long term. Its home to him, no matter how hard I’ve tried it’s never been home for me.
• My idea of a fun evening is a going out with a group of friends, having a nice dinner, sharing and laughing – but then coming home around 11 to, you know, do adult things - not partying until everyone passes out (or the sun comes up.) I’m ok with the crazy party thing a few times a year – not every Friday and Saturday.
• No matter how many people I talked to at a party it was never enough, I was always perceived as quiet and reserved. He used to find that mysterious, but now I’m stuck up. Whatever. But have you ever tried to have a conversation with a model??
• I can’t change him to want what I want and he can’t change me to be someone else. No matter that I think what he wants is ridiculous – he’s fallen more into the Hollywood-ish life and crowd - where as I hate it.
• Sure in the beginning we were on the same page – even up to the wedding we were on the same page and PLANNED to leave LA. In some ways I know my unhappiness and ‘tude and inability to make a life here is because I wanted OUT.
• He wasn’t willing to bend, but I’ve been bending for a long time. How come I never got fed up? I think I did in little ways here and there.
• Really. The “Great Times” were almost always when we were someplace else. Vegas or Belize. But I recall our trip to Hawaii had a lot of tension in it, I wanted to do different things and when we did my things he was grumpy when we did his things I was bored or uncomfortable.
I knew this stuff!!! I’ve been complaining and unhappy but always held out hope things would come around. Evil C would finally piss him off and “he’d come home.” But he didn’t, and I pissed her off, and –what’s that saying- when a woman aims to hurt another woman it is invariably to the heart and fatal. Voltaire or some shit? Something like that. But even without her influence he’s changed and wants other things and I’ve grown too.
I’m having a Eureka type moment. Doesn’t change how fucking horrible this is and how much I love and miss him, but it’s pretty clear why this is happening.
It’s like one revelation after another. Thank God for Diaryland. Wonder how many entries I’ll make before the day is through.
