I don’t even want to talk about the last few days. At all. Depressing and depressing, but also lovely to see the whole family. And then depressing again.

However, I have come back from this whole thing with a resolve to fix and fix and fix. Looking back over the lives of others puts your own into perspective. One way or another I will not continue to be sad, depressed, and –worst of all- continually focusing on the Bad vs. the Good. Ok, that’s kind of all one thing and not the dramatic list it seems to be…but damn it if I have to go crazy I will be happy.

I’m also convinced that when it comes to air travel I have some sort of special karma. Had I traveled one day prior I would have been stuck in O’Hare Hell but instead I traveled the day after and my trip could be described as “a breeze.” My step-dad on the other hand, who had left Sacramento 30 hours prior, was just leaving Chicago as I stepped off my plane….to a bar….and to a really nice text message from Neko.

Then I proceeded to drink. And, really, the rest of the few days are best summed up, “and I proceeded to drink.” Fortunately the only person I made a fool of myself in front of was my step-dad. My mom had wisely gone to bed leaving us to talk and talk. I told him everything that’s been going on with Rob and cried and cried. Fortunately I don’t remember all of it and would honestly like to just forget it. Though it did feel nice to get it off my chest to someone in the family. But why is it I always feel guilty about crying to someone, the next day I feel like I did something wrong. I need to get over that.

And oddly I’ve returned with a strong resolve to fix things even more than before. But that’s all I’m gonna say on that.

Grandma is still alive. Which is shocking considering her condition, it is literally a Death Watch. Literally. We’d be sitting around her room sorting old photos and talking and we’d all look at her to see if she was still breathing. I couldn’t handle how morbid it was. Honestly I think it’s better to die suddenly of a heart attack but to just rot away like that - it is truly hell.

Kevorkian has gained my respect. And every time I hear a news story from now on about an elderly husband or wife killing their spouse to “put them out of the misery” I now will understand.

But at least Grandma is in a beautiful yellow sunroom surrounded by huge windows framing the beautiful snowy Michigan woods outside. She has her son and her daughter, and her grandchildren (albeit intermediately) there with her. She has morphine and hospice care and her priest to visit. I left feeling a little guilty that I wasn’t staying until the end, but on the other hand what good does my sitting there do. It could be any moment. I came, I saw her, I hugged her, I left a lipstick print on her cheek when I left. Enough.

I need to move on.