I’m trying not to let all this stuff totally get me down (or be completely depressed and pathetic) but here’s how things look for me at the moment:

1. Fucking broke from vacation and buying Christmas gifts. I just transferred cash from my savings to my checking. I hate doing that.
2. My grandma is really really really really sick. They’ve got her on chemo, but how “well” is an 80 year old woman going to get with pancreatic cancer and chemo at this point in her life? I’m trying not to be completely melodramatic, but I sense that I need to plan a few trips back to Michigan in the coming months to “say goodbye.” And she’s not in just regular Michigan, she lives in the U.P. so it takes like 8 hours to get there through two airports and a rental car. See #1 and the sorry state of my checking account. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but it’s going to have to be done.
3. The husband. Things just aren’t good and I’m having a really hard time living with this constant knot in my stomach. Literally. I didn’t really understand why I’ve been having absolutely horrible “problems” for several months now. Then I remembered last season’s Sopranos and Drea DeMatteo’s characters problems when she was under so much stress. I realize of course, it’s a TV show, but incredible stress can really do a number on your insides and I’ve been living with this daily stress and worry. It’s not healthy. And he didn’t come home last night – or call. I know, he was at our friend’s house watching Monday Night Football and I’ve always said that if he’s too drunk to drive he should just stay there, but for fucks sake CALL ME to tell me.
4. Related to all of the above I’m just not sleeping right. I toss and turn for hours in the middle of the night and nothing helps. When I do sleep, it’s almost worse. I had the most horrid nightmare this morning that I’ve ever had, really…EVER. The sort of terror that stays with you. I woke up and turned every light on and watched the 4:30 a.m. news until I showered at 6:30. And what made the dream so terrifying is that is was “set” right there in my home and family. I just feel like I need a tranquilizer to sleep (or at least something stronger than Benadryl which I usually take.)

I’m just in a bad place. I need to figure out how to get out of it. I don’t want to divorce because not only do I love him, but I have a lot of fun with him. Getting drunk after a Patriot’s loss with his friends and passing out on their sofa isn’t cause for me to get so upset, it’s just the cumulative state of events.

And people get old, get sick, and pass on. I’ve dealt with this before and while I’m not in a good spot financially, I am able to spend the next few months going back and forth to Michigan – it’s not that I “can’t” do it. I can.

I just need to work on perspective and hopefully things will right themselves.