On complete whim of fiscal stupidity I ordered a new Jane Fox handbag, it has little green leaves embroidered onto corduroy. It’s huge and hopefully will fit the 10 tons of shit I drag with me to work on a daily basis. Will also hopefully be good for travel too.

And I’ve somehow found myself in love with this band I found on iTunes called The Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash. Revisiting my country roots apparently. The “Distance Between” is officially my New Favorite Song. I can listen to it over and over and over.

I’ve ordered flowers and balloons for my Grandma’s 80th birthday next week. She’s been battling her second round of cancer and it kills me that she’s up there in Michigan. Well, no, what kills me is that Michigan is so far away and I can’t just hop a flight and visit her. I lover her, I miss her, I want to take care of her.

Last night I made French Onion Soup for dinner. I fear that our tiny apartment will never stop smelling like onions.

Vacation in 11 days. Looking at the calendar just now I can’t believe it is that close. Honestly, I’m excited and yet not. Part of me can’t wait, part of me is…hesitant. Doesn’t make sense but that’s what I am. I really need the break from work though. I’m at zero productivity. I’m forgetting some details and simply ignoring others. And I’ve lost all patience with my boss and his hyper-helplessness and self-importance.

For some odd reason I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot. My real dad. Not sure what that means, but there it is. I guess I miss him too. But I’ve always missed him even when he’s right in front of me.

Also, I’ve been having bizarre and very realistic dreams the last two nights. Generally I never remember dreams. But they’re very “there” right now. Last night it had something to do with visiting a tanning salon and asking the attendant, “are you sure I can get in that tanning booth and I won’t break it, I’m kind of big you know.” But yet in my dreams I’m never as fat as I really am – I am as I “imagine” myself to be not how I actually am. I still suffer shock ever time I see a picture of myself…like, “is that ACTUALLY me?!” Like an anorexic sees them selves much larger than they actually are, I see myself as so much smaller. I was trying on bathing suits for the trip the other night and caught a glimps of myself from the side and I looked like Rosemary from “Shallow Hal.” Scary. But I got myself here, I can get myself out or I can stop complaining and accept it. But I don’t want to be like this forever, so I know I have to start changing things. And I have.