I got a package from the wonderful BathTubMary/Red-Wine household and I can’t say how much it has cheered me up. That Mary is an absolute genius with the music mixes – fer sure. Along with a wonderful little book that I’d like to get lost in pronto.

And that reminds me of all the stuff I have sitting around that needs to be mailed. Some in an easterly direction and some due north. Alas I can’t promise anything at the moment.

Also many thanks to everyone’s words of support and wise thoughts. I never in a million imagined how hard something like this is. I mean, people get divorced all the time, obviously, but I had no idea how incredibly painful it is. I’m surprised anyone lives through it, actually. Or maybe they just get really mad – I can see how that would help you cope in way. Though for at least the moment it doesn’t look like we’ll quite be going that route directly. I feel I have been put on notice, however.

They say marriage is work. I have not been putting the work into it. At all. I’ve been as lazy with it as I am with everything else – i.e. DAYUM lazy. And it has suffered badly as a result. All the things I thought I was supposed to be doing were wrong, I was focusing the opposite direction of where I should be. I’m not looking for sympathy or reassurance in saying that. I know, inside, what’s gone wrong.

Instead of communicating my thoughts and needs with him, in many cases I was venting them here or buying something stupid or eating too much or hiding or something…basically doing anything but dealing with them.

Plus, in the most basic sense, our marriage would be (or “hopefully will be”) much more FUN as a result of my making some simple changes. I’ve been hiding. Using excuses. And damn near reverting to a sullen and spoiled overly emotional teenager. And sooo pathetically wrapped up in my own head and emotions I’m not being a full person in any sense. To say I’ve “had my head up my ass” is perfectly apt. It’s not good for me. I know it. And it’s not so much that I need to change who I am, it’s that I need to find who I used to be and get back in touch with myself.

I’m sure a lot of this doesn’t make sense. So. Enough with the explanations.

Yesterday he bought “our” airfare to Belize. Two tickets. The final payment on the condo there goes through on my credit card shortly. We’re also escaping to Vegas weekend after next. Nothing says, “reconnecting a marriage” like loosing money and drinking yard-longs of moonshine (I’m actually kidding about the yard longs, I learned my lesson and will never touch one of those things again.) One the Too Much Info tip – I’ve also invested in some very pretty lingerie. It's been a tough few weeks on my savings account, but hopefully a good investment.

I might not be updating a lot for a while. Or maybe I will. I don’t know. But I just didn’t want to leave ya’ll hanging cause you’ve been so sweet and supportive. I’m doing well. There are moments. And it still might fall spectacularly to shit, but at least I’ll have tried. And maybe come out a better person for it too.