[I wrote this yesterday and couldn’t post it because DLands servers were overloaded. Things are a little better, but I’m still not sure what is going on. In our common interactions with each other things honestly seem “normal.” But it’s still there. And it’s confusing as hell. Speaking of Neko (see below) she’s the absolute best, because even with the terrifying crisis in her life right now she still’s helping me through this, she’s the best.]

So maybe I do need to talk about it. Emailing with Neko this morning has sort of opened up the flood gates, thinking about it outside of just my head, and now I sort of feel like I need to talk to anyone. The girl in the hall, the guy in the kitchen getting coffee, fuck, ANYONE. But I don’t. Though I have thought about calling my mom.

Rob told me he’s “lost hope” in us. If I don’t change a few things it’s over. That’s he’s not happy.

It came as a total shock to me. The problems are valid, but the scary thing is that I’m not sure I can fix them to his liking.

We will (or would?) have been married 2 years in October. And together for 8. One day I think things are fine, the next I’m contemplating if I should move out.

8 years is a lot of history. A lot of life. Thinking about anything in my life that he isn’t part of is impossible.

There is hope. In between the feeling of “this can’t be happening” there is also hope. I haven’t canceled our trip in November, but he didn’t say that I shouldn’t. He didn’t answer that at all.

He’s not the sort to make emotional decisions. And once it’s been made, it’s made. But he’s giving me a chance. Or I guess “us” a chance. He says he loves me. I cried and talked and prodded and asked for more information, more explanation for hours and hours last night…so maybe I can do something to pull this thing around. Make it like it used to be.

He did hold me and hug me, but he didn’t say, “everything will be all right.”

How exactly do you take things like this back? If we do manage to go forward I’m always going to be wondering if he’s suddenly going to say, “that’s it.”

I’m confused. Hurt. Perpetually red-eyed. Scared. Confused. Hurt again. And terrified of loosing him. I look at our pictures around me every thought is about something “us” related because our life has always been so “us.” I never imagined this would happen. Ever. I really thought we’d be together forever. Sure we’ve got problems like everyone, but you work through it.

Come to think of it, it’s been a very long time since he called me by his pet name for me. Maybe that should have been a sign.

I just don’t know what to do. Last week I was “mentally bitching” about how he never takes the trash out, and doesn’t help with dinner, and doesn’t seem to care. Now I’m realizing that he doesn’t take the trash out because he simply never realizes it’s full if I don’t tell him and that he does appreciate that I’m always cooking and taking care of those things. And that maybe my keeping my unhappiness about those petty issues bottled up led to my outbursts in odd places that he never understood – snaps there, attitude there – and that’s part of what has been the final straw for him.

Or the “second to final” straw. Because *there is* hope.

He just called. Sounded like his old self. Let me know he was going over to our friend’s house to have some beer and play cards. I said I’d be very happy to go, that I really want to go!!! (Going home again to an empty house and plexing about this until bed is SERIOUSLY the inner most ring of hell.) He’s like, “I appreciate your effort. I’ll let you know.” (Item #2 of my Things I Gotta Change is “being more social.”)

Then there are moments I’m MAD. Seething really. Moments I want to tell him to go get fucked – that I make more (sore subject there) and I’m perfectly capable of getting a much nicer apartment and living very well on my own.

I’ve always said if I wasn’t with him I’d be fine alone. And that is true.

And then there are moments of, for lack of a better description, pure desperation. I want to cling to him with every fiber of my being.

It’s actually painful. My head hurts, this lump in my throat simply won’t go away, my neck is unbearably tight, I feel feverish, and I sometimes feel like I’m shaking. Unless I decide to say “fuck it” there isn’t a lot I can do though except to try to Improve on Those Issues and see how things play out over the next few weeks or months.

For the first time in our relationship I feel like I have no power. And even though he says he wants more passion between us (Item #1), I’ve never felt more unwanted.